The Hard Truths of 2019
I spent the end of 2019 in my 4runner with my pup. It was quiet, cold, and completely calm.
I hadn't stopped moving for that long, with nothing to do, no one to talk to, no phone to distract me, nothing, in a really really long time. I laid reading Harry Potter to Loki and reflecting on the past year of my life. Deciding how to move forward. Dreaming.
This past year did teach me a lot. It was hard both emotionally and mentally. I had to learn what it took to start my own business (I'm still learning and struggling). I had to hit myself in the head and get a grip on my life. And I had to let go of things and people I never imagined.
As I laid in the dark, listening to Loki's gentle breaths, I decided that I would enter this year stronger. Sure, things may still be hard. But my attitude would change. My mindset would be different.
My entire life, my word has been fearless. I have it tattooed on my wrist to forever remind me that it's not about the absence of fear. It's not about seeing something scary and saying, "hey, what's the big deal?" It's about knowing what scares you, seeing that terrifying thing and saying, "I'm stronger. I'm tougher."
Graduating with a degree in psychology but deciding to pursue a career in the outdoor industry as a photographer truly terrifies me. What if I can't move out of my mom's house? What if I fail? What if I actually get eaten by a bear?
Having to let go of relationships I thought I would have forever hurts. And it is scary. What if I'm alone? What if there's no one out there who loves me?
These fears are real.
They're scary.
But that's okay.
What's not okay is hearing those what if's and deciding that the possibility of that happening is too risky. That the chances of failing isn't worth it.
But I learned this past year that failing is literally everything. You can't succeed if you're too scared to jump into that next big thing, relationship, job opportunity, whatever. Failing is what propels you to the next thing. It's what creates a life you're proud of.
The intro to the new year was a quiet time for me to set goals and dream some big, big ideas for the next 365 (well, now it's 353). And it was a time to mourn the things I left behind in 2019. But a celebration of who I am becoming and what I am achieving moving forward.
